Selamat siang,

Cali // bay bred. 21. Aries. Mix€d.

Sometimes I think about going home, but I remember of how much it was a prison to me. How controlled I was. All the pain I invested in. All the trouble I tried to avoid. Then again I’m not happy at where I’m at. I’m tired, you’re tired. It’s exhausting. Like I don’t even wanna be in this position anymore. I think I’m losing my mind. This is the only I can go to when I want to vent out.

Sometimes I think that I wanna be in a really dark place. Somewhere to be truly alone. Cause I have some deep feelings that I don’t wanna show. To anyone, really. I can never have a good nights rest Or when I do my mornings feel horrible. I hate waking up in the morning to be honest.. Like I don’t even wanna adventure the days anymore. God why am I feeling like this? Maybe cause I’m in the most awkward situation ever. My boyfriend and I went to his friends house, but his friends GIRLFRIEND is the girl he used to talk to. She’s friendly, and I know it’s the past.. But I’m kinna also really sad cause it’s our anniversary.. And I wanted to be beer pong partners with my own boyfriend but he doesn’t want to. So, I’ll jus let him have his fun. This is just a reminder to not come with him anymore. This really ruined my night. No more favors either. I hate spending money when I’m not even appreciated. I feel used.. *cries inside*. 😢

I keep getting this huge headaches out of nowhere. But then again, taking a dump on the toilet kinna helps. Hehehehehehe

So this morning was weird. Work was wired. Everyone was jus acting really strange n shit today. I don’t even understand people sometimes, but yet I do. This lady with her two little kids were ordering food and the lady seems really stressed out. I asked if she had a long day and she couldn’t even say what was on her mind. I asked if she was tired and she say yeah. Another lady was so frustrated with her husband. Getting hella angry on the phone with him tryna ask if he wanted some food, but her anger jus Kinna frightened me. I was being as polite and kind as I could. My coworker poured her some lemonade and she wanted to pay for it, but I told her it was fine and she said I made her night. People that actually show appreciation really turns the day around. Anyways.. On the bus home now. Next three days off. Let’s see how this will turn out.

I really don’t understand why I feel the way I feel. Like I have no feelings, but at the same time they come out and play with me, with him, with anyone really. I feel so dead. Inside and out. Like my body can’t take it anymore. My heart is aching, and most of all my soul isn’t lifting. I’m like a dead spirit right now, but In the real world. Sometimes I wish upon death because I always feel so depressed. I’m not insane or anything. I just feel deeply depressed sometimes. My mind often wonders about things, about life, and what I do and can do about it to make things better, but things jus seem to get worse. My powers aren’t inspiring anyone. Maybe if I was gone no one would even have the memories I made.. I jus feel careless now. I don’t even know how to talk about my feelings.

Like my boyfriend is always so “tired”. We don’t make the moves “we” want or that “I” want. Maybe my journey was meant to be alone. To just wander the streets and home alone. To not be touched or loved by anyone. I think my standards are too high or something. I don’t think of perfection in myself or anything that I do. I feel lost sometimes. And I trust to cover my tears with a smile. To pretend I’m “okay” when really I’m not. That concludes my emotions. I’m wide awake, while my bf is sleeping…

I’m kinna glad that you’re not something I look forward when I check my news feed anymore. That now I’ve realize you’ve completely shut me out of your life and now you have your so called bitch ass ugly girlfriend to fulfill your needs. I could literally rant this shit, but why? My feelings have not changed for her since the moment her fucking ugly ass attitude approached me. I was only tryna be nice for you, but there’s no need to. Now that you have shown me what kind of a “fake ass” person you are, now I can def say you’re dead to me.

At my work each and everyday there two sisters who care and love for each other, fight and also get along sometimes. Reminds me so much of back in the day when I could just go to my sister and play all day long and play video games and eat with my sister, but boy, times have really changed. Your mindset is set on literally too much sensitive and serious shit. You don’t know how to grow up, which you really think you’re mature. But you’re a spoiled ass little bitch. You have no manners nor are you considerate of anyone’s feelings but your own. Your ex left you maybe cause you’re too fucking sensitive and she didn’t want you always being literally on her back all the time.

Your main focus was always on your significant other(s), but it was never on your family, the people who mattered the most you selfish, mindless— human being. Ugh. I’m finished. I’m done. Real talk.

Lemme throw up real quick cause you make me sick. Your face jus does it.

It twas a good day off. Now back to reality.